I talked to a friend today about this whole love thing. She has a friend who doesn’t treat her well – or at least, who certainly doesn’t meet her expectations for how a friend should treat her. We got into a conversation about whether love and relationship are the same thing. I have to say “no.”
To oversimplify, God=love. But Christians would say not everyone has a relationship with God. People are free to choose to either pursue a relationship or not pursue one. Does that mean God does not love them? Of course not. In fact, that he loves them while they reject him proves the depth of his love.
This is the advice I gave my friend about her friend…it’s what I’ve done twice, with mixed results.
1. Decide whether or not you’re willing to love them without getting anything in return. If you are, read 1 Corinthians 13 (aka “the love chapter”) to find out how love does – and does not – behave. Then,
2. Contact them. In a sweet & humble manner (because that’s how love acts), tell them that you have expectations for them that they are not meeting, and as a result you’re feeling hurt/rejected/angry.
2. Ask for their forgiveness for having imposed your expectations on them. Share where you’re at. Tell them you want to love them without conditions … regardless of their response. Tell them why you think they’re a great person, and someone you want to establish a friendship with.
3. Ask if they are willing/interested in doing certain things to maintain a friendship with you (pick up the phone when they call, have lunch once a month, whatever) – but try to make it clear you’re making a request based on love, not guilt or expectation.
4. Demonstrate love to them no matter how they respond.
Yeah. I really don’t know if that’s good advice or not. Once, I tried it and it was painfully uncomfortable. My pseudo-friend looked at me like I had two heads, both of which were about to bite her. And she never spoke to me again. But the second time (different friend, obviously), with considerably more humor and less drama, my friend and I broke down walls and solidified a long-term friendship. So you tell me: effective, weirdly uncomfortable, or a bit of both?
And then there’s the situations where you’re the friend who hasn’t been such a “friend” … and yes, I’ve been in this position too. And I’ve had someone go through the above process with me on the receiving end! I think I looked at her like she had two heads. But we’re still friends. Anyway, here’s what worked for me then:
1. Consider what you’re willing/able to invest in the relationship. 2. Humbly, demonstrate love as you communicate what you’re willing to offer. 3. Don’t offer more than you a) want to and b) reasonably can.
Finally, here's a snapshot of one of my dearest friends. She is overloaded with work and kids and volunteering and running her household. She has very little time for me. She doesn’t call me, rarely texts me, and when we get together I’m always the one to schedule it and go to where she is. And you know what? We have a fabulous time together and I love it. Do I wish she would make more effort? Sure, sometimes. But I’m learning to love her without expectation, to take what she has to offer and enjoy it fully without allowing it to be corrupted by my own expectations. It really does work! And it cuts down amazingly on the amount of rejection/bitterness/crankiness in my life! Yes, it really is all about freedom to love without expectation.
So, does love=relationship? I don’t think so, but they sure do play nice together when you let them.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Love Expectations, Addendum
Hi. Just wanted to clarify something from my last post. My issues with expectations toward my sister was a reflection of my insecurities and neediness, not a reflection on her. She has always treated me with extraordinary kindness, mercy and love. I could not ask for a better friend or sister…even so, I have issues! And releasing her from my expectations was about me learning how to love her, not about how she loved me. She is, and has always been, an amazing friend to me! Thanks, Lis!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Love Expectations
I love my sister. She’s just about the best thing in the world. We have a lot of fun together no matter what we do, and we can talk for hours. Plus she’s the best person to shop with. We have an incredible relationship, for which I’ve very thankful.
It wasn’t always like this. We’ve always been close, but sometimes we fought the way sisters or wild cats do. There was a lot of back and forth in the old days, not unlike any friendship.
You know how friendships are governed by all these rules? “A friend does this,” or “a friend would never do that.” Friends – especially sisters – are expected to say certain things, not say other things, and behave certain ways depending on the situation.
The problem is, people can’t agree on friendship expectations. Like who calls who when. It always annoys me when people say to me, “you never call me!” All I can think is, don’t you have a phone too?
Friends, and sisters, let you down. With my sister, I used to think about how I could make her love me. Like a great employee, how could I make myself indispensable to her so that she would keep me around even though I continued to screw up from time to time? I told her once, trying to solidify our friendship, that she had to love me because we were related. Wisely, she responded, “I don’t have to love you.”
She’s right. She doesn’t have to love me, or be my friend. I took this realization hard. I could never do enough or be enough to make her love me. The force of my will was not strong enough. All I could do was love her.
(By now you’re thinking “duh.” Sometimes it takes me a while to put these things together.)
And then I realized that’s exactly how God is toward us. He just loves us, without requiring anything in return. Romans 5:8 says, “This is how God demonstrated his love for us: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Paul (the author of Romans) also phrases it this way: while we were still enemies of Christ, he died for us.
God is always taking the first step toward us, and making peace with us before we do anything to deserve or earn it. He doesn’t love us because we deserve it. He just loves us.
And that’s how I decided to love my sister. It was an experiment. I would love her just because I wanted to love her, without expecting anything back from her. If she loved me, great! If she didn’t love me, that would be sad but I would be okay with it. Whether or not she liked me or forgave me or was nice to me would have nothing to do with how I loved her.
It was the most freeing experiment of my life. I can’t believe what I have learned from it. Now, both of us are free from my expectations … whether or not she behaves like I think she should has no power over our friendship. I am her friend because I want to be her friend, not because she’s nice to me or says the right things or calls me often enough. I just love her.
I don’t even know how to explain the freedom that comes from this. It has spilled over into so many areas of my life. I used to think that if my husband broke certain rules I would divorce him, no question. Now, I can’t imagine my marriage being held hostage to such rules. Now I am free to love him because I choose to, not because of how he behaves.
None of this means that I don’t have healthy boundaries or that I’m a doormat. Love really is about freedom, not chains. And I think the only way I can continue such an experiment is because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I can love her that way because I know I am loved that way. I have experienced God’s love so profoundly that it enables me to love others. Isaiah 31:3 says, “I have loved you with an everlasting glove. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”
Have you experienced someone loving you without expectation? What do you expect of your friends?
It wasn’t always like this. We’ve always been close, but sometimes we fought the way sisters or wild cats do. There was a lot of back and forth in the old days, not unlike any friendship.
You know how friendships are governed by all these rules? “A friend does this,” or “a friend would never do that.” Friends – especially sisters – are expected to say certain things, not say other things, and behave certain ways depending on the situation.
The problem is, people can’t agree on friendship expectations. Like who calls who when. It always annoys me when people say to me, “you never call me!” All I can think is, don’t you have a phone too?
Friends, and sisters, let you down. With my sister, I used to think about how I could make her love me. Like a great employee, how could I make myself indispensable to her so that she would keep me around even though I continued to screw up from time to time? I told her once, trying to solidify our friendship, that she had to love me because we were related. Wisely, she responded, “I don’t have to love you.”
She’s right. She doesn’t have to love me, or be my friend. I took this realization hard. I could never do enough or be enough to make her love me. The force of my will was not strong enough. All I could do was love her.
(By now you’re thinking “duh.” Sometimes it takes me a while to put these things together.)
And then I realized that’s exactly how God is toward us. He just loves us, without requiring anything in return. Romans 5:8 says, “This is how God demonstrated his love for us: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Paul (the author of Romans) also phrases it this way: while we were still enemies of Christ, he died for us.
God is always taking the first step toward us, and making peace with us before we do anything to deserve or earn it. He doesn’t love us because we deserve it. He just loves us.
And that’s how I decided to love my sister. It was an experiment. I would love her just because I wanted to love her, without expecting anything back from her. If she loved me, great! If she didn’t love me, that would be sad but I would be okay with it. Whether or not she liked me or forgave me or was nice to me would have nothing to do with how I loved her.
It was the most freeing experiment of my life. I can’t believe what I have learned from it. Now, both of us are free from my expectations … whether or not she behaves like I think she should has no power over our friendship. I am her friend because I want to be her friend, not because she’s nice to me or says the right things or calls me often enough. I just love her.
I don’t even know how to explain the freedom that comes from this. It has spilled over into so many areas of my life. I used to think that if my husband broke certain rules I would divorce him, no question. Now, I can’t imagine my marriage being held hostage to such rules. Now I am free to love him because I choose to, not because of how he behaves.
None of this means that I don’t have healthy boundaries or that I’m a doormat. Love really is about freedom, not chains. And I think the only way I can continue such an experiment is because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I can love her that way because I know I am loved that way. I have experienced God’s love so profoundly that it enables me to love others. Isaiah 31:3 says, “I have loved you with an everlasting glove. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”
Have you experienced someone loving you without expectation? What do you expect of your friends?
Friday, January 30, 2009
"Opportunity Knocks," part two
I’m gonna have to blog about our last life group study. It was pretty cool. We’ve been doing this series at church called HOSTAGE that deals with stuff like bitterness, anger, worry, shame and addiction. It’s funny how stuff I’m blogging about often lines up with what’s going on at church. I don’t plan it, really. But you’ll see how that relates later.
Today I wanted to add something about the opportunity for redemption.
I was talking to a lady about how God can make something good out of a bad experience (that he has the power to redeem anything) and she said, what about the Holocaust?
So I had to say, “Corrie ten Boom.” Have you heard this story? It’s the true story of a Holocaust survivor who wrote a book called “The Hiding Place” about her family’s WWII experience.
In a nutshell, they hid Jews in their home until they were caught and thrown into a concentration camp. Corrie’s sister, father, brother and nephew died there. Corrie managed to survive the horrors. She wrote her book and became a famous speaker. She talked about love and forgiveness.
Then one day, at the age of 55, she was put to one of the hardest tests of her life. A man came up to her after a speaking engagement and began to talk to her. He confessed that he was a former Nazi guard at the famous Ravensbruck camp where she and her sister were tortured. He asked for her forgiveness, and held out his hand to her.
Corrie wrote later that although she had been preaching “God will give us the love to be able to forgive our enemies,” she felt no forgiveness toward the man standing in front of her. She was reluctant to even try. But she recognized the opportunity that God was giving her, so she prayed, and stretched out her hand. At that moment, she later wrote, a flood of forgiveness washed over her, and in reaching out to forgive, she found the grace and ability to do so.
“I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then,” she wrote. “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”
Hundreds of thousands of people’s lives have been changed by The Hiding Place and Corrie’s story, not to mention the scores of Jews and resistance fighters whose lives they saved before their capture. The Holocaust was one of the darkest times in human history, an ultimate example of how evil people can be. And yet, out the ashes of hatred and genocide comes a story of personal transformation, love, forgiveness and grace. A story of amazing redemption. No one would blame Corrie for bitterness, vengeance or hatred. Yet she took the opportunity to have love, joy and peace formed in her life through her violent circumstances.
Today I wanted to add something about the opportunity for redemption.
I was talking to a lady about how God can make something good out of a bad experience (that he has the power to redeem anything) and she said, what about the Holocaust?
So I had to say, “Corrie ten Boom.” Have you heard this story? It’s the true story of a Holocaust survivor who wrote a book called “The Hiding Place” about her family’s WWII experience.
In a nutshell, they hid Jews in their home until they were caught and thrown into a concentration camp. Corrie’s sister, father, brother and nephew died there. Corrie managed to survive the horrors. She wrote her book and became a famous speaker. She talked about love and forgiveness.
Then one day, at the age of 55, she was put to one of the hardest tests of her life. A man came up to her after a speaking engagement and began to talk to her. He confessed that he was a former Nazi guard at the famous Ravensbruck camp where she and her sister were tortured. He asked for her forgiveness, and held out his hand to her.
Corrie wrote later that although she had been preaching “God will give us the love to be able to forgive our enemies,” she felt no forgiveness toward the man standing in front of her. She was reluctant to even try. But she recognized the opportunity that God was giving her, so she prayed, and stretched out her hand. At that moment, she later wrote, a flood of forgiveness washed over her, and in reaching out to forgive, she found the grace and ability to do so.
“I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then,” she wrote. “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”
Hundreds of thousands of people’s lives have been changed by The Hiding Place and Corrie’s story, not to mention the scores of Jews and resistance fighters whose lives they saved before their capture. The Holocaust was one of the darkest times in human history, an ultimate example of how evil people can be. And yet, out the ashes of hatred and genocide comes a story of personal transformation, love, forgiveness and grace. A story of amazing redemption. No one would blame Corrie for bitterness, vengeance or hatred. Yet she took the opportunity to have love, joy and peace formed in her life through her violent circumstances.
Monday, December 22, 2008
“What Love Looks Like”
I was reading yesterday in Micah and started to think about how often God sacrifices on our behalf in order to rescue us. Like most prophetic books in the Old Testament (“visionary” literature), Micah talks about how the Israelites had started down some bad paths that would lead them to bad ends. But then! Always the “but” in the prophets … but if you return to the wise path, the safe path, God’s path, he will deliver you from all your bad choices. He will rescue you and honor you and provide for your children. He will work in your bad circumstances so that things turn out better than you could have hoped. And all you have to do is turn your heart toward him.
(Does this seem controlling to you? Do it my way or you’ll suffer? Consider this: God’s way is the right way. The best way. The honest way. The good way. Which necessarily means, if you subscribe to Western thought, that the other way is not honest, not good, not right. It stands to reason that if you do what’s good, good things happen to you. If you do what’s bad, bad things happen to you. In my opinion, that’s a good system. And, by the way, God is going beyond that by offering to rescue these people who have already gone the wrong way and done bad things and have hurt others. He’s offering to rescue them from their own bad choices.)
So all this rescue and redemption got me thinking about how God always takes the initiative in making peace with us. In rescuing us from our own bad choices. I got to thinking about the Garden of Eden, the first big story in the Bible, when Adam and Eve eat the apple … the first bad choice … and they understand that they have sinned. They willfully chose to go their own way instead of going the way God directed them.
So what does God do? He takes one of the creatures he’s loving sculpted with his own hands, a living, breathing expression of his love and delight, and sacrifices it to cover his people. He takes the skin of an animal and makes clothes to cover Adam & Eve’s nakedness. The first time God sacrifices to cover us. Even in the very beginning, we can’t escape it … God is giving up of himself to reach out to us and protect us … just one example of what love looks like.
(Does this seem controlling to you? Do it my way or you’ll suffer? Consider this: God’s way is the right way. The best way. The honest way. The good way. Which necessarily means, if you subscribe to Western thought, that the other way is not honest, not good, not right. It stands to reason that if you do what’s good, good things happen to you. If you do what’s bad, bad things happen to you. In my opinion, that’s a good system. And, by the way, God is going beyond that by offering to rescue these people who have already gone the wrong way and done bad things and have hurt others. He’s offering to rescue them from their own bad choices.)
So all this rescue and redemption got me thinking about how God always takes the initiative in making peace with us. In rescuing us from our own bad choices. I got to thinking about the Garden of Eden, the first big story in the Bible, when Adam and Eve eat the apple … the first bad choice … and they understand that they have sinned. They willfully chose to go their own way instead of going the way God directed them.
So what does God do? He takes one of the creatures he’s loving sculpted with his own hands, a living, breathing expression of his love and delight, and sacrifices it to cover his people. He takes the skin of an animal and makes clothes to cover Adam & Eve’s nakedness. The first time God sacrifices to cover us. Even in the very beginning, we can’t escape it … God is giving up of himself to reach out to us and protect us … just one example of what love looks like.
Friday, December 12, 2008
“Love Changes Everything,” part two
I was following my usual morning routine, steeping a cup of tea, and I read the tiny inscription on my teabag tag. It said, “The power of love is infinite.”
Even Yogi Tea knows this truth. The power of love is infinite.
It kinda blew me away, the same way I feel a little blown away whenever I see that TV commercial for a jewelry store and they say, “Love changes everything.” How does everybody know this and so few people act on it?
Love changes everything, and the power of love is infinite.
Does that do anything for you? Do you have any need in your life for an infinite love that will change everything? I do. I wonder how much I underestimate God’s love, when even my teabag tag proclaims the power of love.
Love forgives. It restores broken relationships. Love has no pride and takes no offense. Love gives of itself. It heals all wounds. Love protects and encourages, love gives hope and enables peace. Love speaks truth and mercy in one breath. Love rescues and redeems. Love ends in joy, kindness, goodness, gentleness, patience and faithfulness. Love sacrifices itself on behalf of the beloved.
There is nowhere Love won’t go. There is no one Love won’t save. There is nothing gone too wrong for Love to transcend and create something beautiful out of it.
What in your life needs this kind of rescue and transformation? Who in your life needs to experience this kind of love? What in your life needs restoration?
Even Yogi Tea knows this truth. The power of love is infinite.
It kinda blew me away, the same way I feel a little blown away whenever I see that TV commercial for a jewelry store and they say, “Love changes everything.” How does everybody know this and so few people act on it?
Love changes everything, and the power of love is infinite.
Does that do anything for you? Do you have any need in your life for an infinite love that will change everything? I do. I wonder how much I underestimate God’s love, when even my teabag tag proclaims the power of love.
Love forgives. It restores broken relationships. Love has no pride and takes no offense. Love gives of itself. It heals all wounds. Love protects and encourages, love gives hope and enables peace. Love speaks truth and mercy in one breath. Love rescues and redeems. Love ends in joy, kindness, goodness, gentleness, patience and faithfulness. Love sacrifices itself on behalf of the beloved.
There is nowhere Love won’t go. There is no one Love won’t save. There is nothing gone too wrong for Love to transcend and create something beautiful out of it.
What in your life needs this kind of rescue and transformation? Who in your life needs to experience this kind of love? What in your life needs restoration?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
"Love Changes Everything"
Love is a universal language. Have you noticed how everything is about love? Especially Christmas, and just about every movie and song ever made.
We’re obsessed with love in Western civilization, especially in the US. We love our Sketchers and sunshine and money and friends and our pets and our nation. Or we hate all that, because we love something else. Narcissism, maybe. We’re all about love. It’s crazy sad how we run around looking for someone/thing to love us, something to complete or define us in a way that makes us feel special and fulfilled. Satisfied. Whole. 300 million Americans running around like chickens looking for a crumb of love.
Love is a universal language. “Everybody” knows what it feels like to fall in love, how it changes everything. How it feels, how it shifts you, the high it gives you. Being in love makes a difference in our day-to-day lives. Love changes everything, especially the course of our future.
Is it the same kind of love affair between us & God? Does it change your day-to-day life? Does it make a difference when things aren’t going well?
Ephesians 3:19 says, “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it.” Notice Paul says "experience," not just "know." Does your experience of love change how you relate to others? In 2 Corinthians 8:24, Paul writes, “Show them … the proof of your love.” Not of God’s love for us, but of our love for God.
The Women of Faith team wrote this: “Love is difficult to define. It doesn’t simplify matters to define love by saying that God is love, because we can’t really define him either. But think about it for a minute. God says, ‘I am God. I am love, These are my people and I love them. How have I behaved toward those I love? See, this is what love expects, how love reacts, what love is willing to do. This is love.’”
Do you know that God loves you? Does that make a difference? Is God your beloved? Do you think of your beloved and smile?
We’re obsessed with love in Western civilization, especially in the US. We love our Sketchers and sunshine and money and friends and our pets and our nation. Or we hate all that, because we love something else. Narcissism, maybe. We’re all about love. It’s crazy sad how we run around looking for someone/thing to love us, something to complete or define us in a way that makes us feel special and fulfilled. Satisfied. Whole. 300 million Americans running around like chickens looking for a crumb of love.
Love is a universal language. “Everybody” knows what it feels like to fall in love, how it changes everything. How it feels, how it shifts you, the high it gives you. Being in love makes a difference in our day-to-day lives. Love changes everything, especially the course of our future.
Is it the same kind of love affair between us & God? Does it change your day-to-day life? Does it make a difference when things aren’t going well?
Ephesians 3:19 says, “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it.” Notice Paul says "experience," not just "know." Does your experience of love change how you relate to others? In 2 Corinthians 8:24, Paul writes, “Show them … the proof of your love.” Not of God’s love for us, but of our love for God.
The Women of Faith team wrote this: “Love is difficult to define. It doesn’t simplify matters to define love by saying that God is love, because we can’t really define him either. But think about it for a minute. God says, ‘I am God. I am love, These are my people and I love them. How have I behaved toward those I love? See, this is what love expects, how love reacts, what love is willing to do. This is love.’”
Do you know that God loves you? Does that make a difference? Is God your beloved? Do you think of your beloved and smile?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
“Love Tree,” part three
It seems kind of pathetic, to sit there as a branch on the Love Tree, waiting for love to be produced in my life. I get kind of impatient … what should I be DOING? I like how Dallas Willard talks about the formation of love (and the other fruits of the Spirit) in our lives: he says we do have a vital role. What is it? To suck it up, tough it out, random acts of kindness, be the ball? To be willing, says Willard. Our role is to be willing to have the Holy Spirit create love in us, create peace in us, create joy in us, that we then offer to each other and to the world.
Is that it? Does it seem too easy to just be willing? But the trick here is to really be willing. Often I say I am, and think I am, when my life clearly demonstrates that I am not. For example, I know from 1 Corinthians 13 that love “bears all things.” All things! Let’s be honest, I generally don’t want to bear all things. I’m not really willing and eager to bear all things. I don’t really want to “cover a multitude of sins,” especially other people’s sins against me (1 Ptr 4:8). The truth is, I want love applied to me, and maybe to “act” loving sometimes, but I don’t want to truly be loving, to have the fruit of love formed in me. Because that would mean I have to bear all things. In Colossians 3, Paul describes it as “making allowance for the faults of others, and forgiving anyone who offends you.” And that’s just one of the things love does!
The good news here is that God’s already spotted my weaknesses and hesitancy. He’s willing to work around it. In 2 Corinthians 12:10, Paul says, “When I am weak, then I am strong,” referring to Christ’s power at work within him. In 2 Corinthians 4:7, he says, “We hold this treasure in jars of clay, to show this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” And as I draw near to God, as I talk to Him in prayer, and read His Word, and serve with His people, I find it easier to be willing, because my relationship with Him is deepened and my focus is on Him, not on myself.
When I don’t see evidence of fruit in my life, it means two things: I’m not really willing to have fruit formed in me (and I’m resisting God’s opportunities to form fruit in me) and I am focusing too much on myself and not enough on Him. It means I have not restructured my life in such a way as to revolve around Him and what He wants for me; I am still trapped in my old way of thinking about what is best for me, and what is best for my family, and what I think is right. But God also promised to transform my thinking, and if I ask Him, I will “be transformed through the renewing of my mind” (Romans 12:2). Jesus finishes up the Love Tree metaphor by saying, “Remain in me.” Stay plugged in. Remember how much I love you, and act accordingly.
Is that it? Does it seem too easy to just be willing? But the trick here is to really be willing. Often I say I am, and think I am, when my life clearly demonstrates that I am not. For example, I know from 1 Corinthians 13 that love “bears all things.” All things! Let’s be honest, I generally don’t want to bear all things. I’m not really willing and eager to bear all things. I don’t really want to “cover a multitude of sins,” especially other people’s sins against me (1 Ptr 4:8). The truth is, I want love applied to me, and maybe to “act” loving sometimes, but I don’t want to truly be loving, to have the fruit of love formed in me. Because that would mean I have to bear all things. In Colossians 3, Paul describes it as “making allowance for the faults of others, and forgiving anyone who offends you.” And that’s just one of the things love does!
The good news here is that God’s already spotted my weaknesses and hesitancy. He’s willing to work around it. In 2 Corinthians 12:10, Paul says, “When I am weak, then I am strong,” referring to Christ’s power at work within him. In 2 Corinthians 4:7, he says, “We hold this treasure in jars of clay, to show this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” And as I draw near to God, as I talk to Him in prayer, and read His Word, and serve with His people, I find it easier to be willing, because my relationship with Him is deepened and my focus is on Him, not on myself.
When I don’t see evidence of fruit in my life, it means two things: I’m not really willing to have fruit formed in me (and I’m resisting God’s opportunities to form fruit in me) and I am focusing too much on myself and not enough on Him. It means I have not restructured my life in such a way as to revolve around Him and what He wants for me; I am still trapped in my old way of thinking about what is best for me, and what is best for my family, and what I think is right. But God also promised to transform my thinking, and if I ask Him, I will “be transformed through the renewing of my mind” (Romans 12:2). Jesus finishes up the Love Tree metaphor by saying, “Remain in me.” Stay plugged in. Remember how much I love you, and act accordingly.
Friday, November 14, 2008
“Love Tree,” part two
So now that I see my love tree needs watering, how do I do that? How does love get produced in my life? Can I do it just by trying harder? By doing the right things? Saying the right things? If I act like I’m loving does that make me loving? I know from my own experiences that it doesn’t work that way. “Fake it ‘til you make it” doesn’t work for love.
In John 15, Jesus says that, actually, God is the love tree. We are just a branch on the tree, and being part of the tree is what produces fruit in our lives. When situations crop up, we have the choice of responding however we want … we can draw from ourselves and the world, and produce bitterness, or draw from the Love Tree – God himself – and produce a blossom of love.
If it seems kind of weird to think of God as a tree, blame those Biblical writers … personally, I like the metaphors in Psalms where David compares God to both a rock and a chicken. One of my mentors likes to compare him to a black lab. But more on that later.
One of my favorite things about God is that he never tells us to do things “just because.” He doesn’t say, “Be loving because you ought to,” or “forgive others because you should.” He doesn’t even say, “Because it’s the right thing to do, that’s why.” He always says this: “Because I love you; because I forgive you. That’s why.” In Jeremiah 31:3 he says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have called you.”
When those opportunities blow through where we chose our response between love and something else, we aren’t told to think about fairness or justice or looking holy or faking it … we’re told to think about how overwhelmingly God loves us, and respond accordingly. In John 13:25, Jesus says, “I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” “Love each other the way I have loved you (v.34).” 1 Corinthians 14:1 says it this way: “Pursue love above all else.” Galatians 5:6 says “The only thing that counts is faith made effective through love.”
In John 15, Jesus says that, actually, God is the love tree. We are just a branch on the tree, and being part of the tree is what produces fruit in our lives. When situations crop up, we have the choice of responding however we want … we can draw from ourselves and the world, and produce bitterness, or draw from the Love Tree – God himself – and produce a blossom of love.
If it seems kind of weird to think of God as a tree, blame those Biblical writers … personally, I like the metaphors in Psalms where David compares God to both a rock and a chicken. One of my mentors likes to compare him to a black lab. But more on that later.
One of my favorite things about God is that he never tells us to do things “just because.” He doesn’t say, “Be loving because you ought to,” or “forgive others because you should.” He doesn’t even say, “Because it’s the right thing to do, that’s why.” He always says this: “Because I love you; because I forgive you. That’s why.” In Jeremiah 31:3 he says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have called you.”
When those opportunities blow through where we chose our response between love and something else, we aren’t told to think about fairness or justice or looking holy or faking it … we’re told to think about how overwhelmingly God loves us, and respond accordingly. In John 13:25, Jesus says, “I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” “Love each other the way I have loved you (v.34).” 1 Corinthians 14:1 says it this way: “Pursue love above all else.” Galatians 5:6 says “The only thing that counts is faith made effective through love.”
Thursday, November 13, 2008
“Love Tree”
This morning I read this verse in Proverbs: “Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses” (10:12, NLT). There’s a lot of depth in that little verse. All offenses. It’s similar to 1 Peter 4:8 – “love covers a multitude of sins.” I think of all those scenarios throughout my day where I have a choice of responding in love or “quarrels”: when my husband has neglected to take out the trash, when my neighbor has parked (again!) on my grass, when my coworker has forgotten to tell me the meeting time was moved up, when the BMW cuts me off on my drive home, etc., etc. And don’t get me started on the in-laws! There are so many opportunities for me to either take offense or respond in love. Usually I think as long as I don’t do or say anything, I’m fulfilling the letter of the law. But what’s in my heart? Am I thinking loving thoughts that cover the offense, or am I keeping score or feeling justifiably annoyed?
It seems a little distant to me, that kind of love that naturally breathes forgiveness and mercy and grace. Sometimes I feel that way about all the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control (Galatians 5:22). I think, how can I have those as my automatic response to life?
I think the first thing I need to understand about fruit is that it is not for my own benefit. I like to think, “God, give me more love in my life, give me peace, give me joy,” as though these are things that God gives to us to make us happy. But the Scriptural analogy of fruit is that the fruit is something produced in us (not given to us) so that it can be offered to others … an apple tree doesn’t produce apples so it can eat them, the apples are for others to eat. And the biological purpose of fruit is to spread seeds … which ties in to another Scriptural analogy, the planting of seeds. Another purpose of fruit is service – feeding each other.
How is your love tree doing? I think mine definitely needs watering.
It seems a little distant to me, that kind of love that naturally breathes forgiveness and mercy and grace. Sometimes I feel that way about all the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control (Galatians 5:22). I think, how can I have those as my automatic response to life?
I think the first thing I need to understand about fruit is that it is not for my own benefit. I like to think, “God, give me more love in my life, give me peace, give me joy,” as though these are things that God gives to us to make us happy. But the Scriptural analogy of fruit is that the fruit is something produced in us (not given to us) so that it can be offered to others … an apple tree doesn’t produce apples so it can eat them, the apples are for others to eat. And the biological purpose of fruit is to spread seeds … which ties in to another Scriptural analogy, the planting of seeds. Another purpose of fruit is service – feeding each other.
How is your love tree doing? I think mine definitely needs watering.
Monday, November 10, 2008
“Jesus Hearts Gays,” part two
How many of us come to Jesus with all our issues resolved?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been following Christ for years and years and I STILL have sin in my life that I haven’t “gotten over” yet. Is it serious? Yes. Is it a big deal? Yes. Does it keep me from loving Jesus and working in ministry? No. It doesn’t keep me from church, from participating in the “body of Christ” … the flawed and messed up but sincere group of people who have been knocked over by grace.
I don’t know about you, but I need to be in church, not just want to be. Sure, I love to serve and worship and grow, but it’s deeper than that … I need to be there because I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet. I still need grace and mercy and renewal every day while I try to figure this thing out.
So isn’t that true of others? Shouldn’t all sinners be in church where they can encounter grace and mercy and renewal as they try to figure life out?
Why then do some things keep people out entirely? Like being gay. We so often want them to have things all worked out before they can come and be one of us and experience grace, mercy and renewal.
Who else should we be excluding? People who struggle with porn? People who get angry too much? Where’s the line? Where should we send these people to meet God? What timeline should we give them for having all their issues worked out?
I’ve been mulling over Matthew 9, and other passages where Jesus hangs out with those his “church” rejected. How did Jesus expect us to continue his work? What was his vision for changing hearts and letting people know they matter to God?
And on the subject of community, here’s a quote from Gerald May: “One of the powers of faith community is its capacity to provide a lasting steadiness through all the wavering of its individual members. When I cannot pray, the prayer of countless others goes on. Where I am complacent, others are struggling. Where I am in conflict, others are at peace. Most important, when I cannot act in loving ways, there are those in my communities who can.”
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been following Christ for years and years and I STILL have sin in my life that I haven’t “gotten over” yet. Is it serious? Yes. Is it a big deal? Yes. Does it keep me from loving Jesus and working in ministry? No. It doesn’t keep me from church, from participating in the “body of Christ” … the flawed and messed up but sincere group of people who have been knocked over by grace.
I don’t know about you, but I need to be in church, not just want to be. Sure, I love to serve and worship and grow, but it’s deeper than that … I need to be there because I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet. I still need grace and mercy and renewal every day while I try to figure this thing out.
So isn’t that true of others? Shouldn’t all sinners be in church where they can encounter grace and mercy and renewal as they try to figure life out?
Why then do some things keep people out entirely? Like being gay. We so often want them to have things all worked out before they can come and be one of us and experience grace, mercy and renewal.
Who else should we be excluding? People who struggle with porn? People who get angry too much? Where’s the line? Where should we send these people to meet God? What timeline should we give them for having all their issues worked out?
I’ve been mulling over Matthew 9, and other passages where Jesus hangs out with those his “church” rejected. How did Jesus expect us to continue his work? What was his vision for changing hearts and letting people know they matter to God?
And on the subject of community, here’s a quote from Gerald May: “One of the powers of faith community is its capacity to provide a lasting steadiness through all the wavering of its individual members. When I cannot pray, the prayer of countless others goes on. Where I am complacent, others are struggling. Where I am in conflict, others are at peace. Most important, when I cannot act in loving ways, there are those in my communities who can.”
Sunday, November 9, 2008
“Jesus Hearts Gays”
A friend of mine loves gay men … most of the gay men she’s met are sweet and funny and she’s drawn to them. She someday hopes to establish a ministry that reaches out to and gets to know and shows love to gay people.
Can I just say that’s so Jesus to me?
So my friend and I were talking about gay guys and she asked, how can we say it’s wrong in such a loving way that we won’t anger or crush them? (Referring to church, not individual conversations.) And you know, I think the answer is we don’t. We don’t say anything.
Instead, I think we try something new … befriending those who are different from us, getting to know them and loving them as individuals important to God. We’ve tried all sorts of talk. Let’s now try some quiet love in action.
It reminds me of the story about when the local church leaders (the pastors and elders and deacons) noticed this new preacher in town who, instead of “preaching the Bible” about homosexuality, showed up at parties thrown by gay guys. He went out dinner with them and generally acted like their friend instead of their judge. Somehow I don’t think he worked “you know, homosexuality is wrong” into his conversations at the dinner parties. Obviously, the rest of the pastors were upset by this “hippie love” behavior and called the pastor on it.
He said a crazy thing. I mean, this guy was out there. He said, “Go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices (Hosea 6:6).’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who are sinners.” That’s from Matthew 9:13 and I gotta say, most of us church people are not Jesus in this story. We’re the Pharisees, slightly scandalized and helpless when see peeps ministering in real love to those we consider too far outside the grace of God.
Can I just say that’s so Jesus to me?
So my friend and I were talking about gay guys and she asked, how can we say it’s wrong in such a loving way that we won’t anger or crush them? (Referring to church, not individual conversations.) And you know, I think the answer is we don’t. We don’t say anything.
Instead, I think we try something new … befriending those who are different from us, getting to know them and loving them as individuals important to God. We’ve tried all sorts of talk. Let’s now try some quiet love in action.
It reminds me of the story about when the local church leaders (the pastors and elders and deacons) noticed this new preacher in town who, instead of “preaching the Bible” about homosexuality, showed up at parties thrown by gay guys. He went out dinner with them and generally acted like their friend instead of their judge. Somehow I don’t think he worked “you know, homosexuality is wrong” into his conversations at the dinner parties. Obviously, the rest of the pastors were upset by this “hippie love” behavior and called the pastor on it.
He said a crazy thing. I mean, this guy was out there. He said, “Go and learn the meaning of this Scripture: ‘I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices (Hosea 6:6).’ For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who are sinners.” That’s from Matthew 9:13 and I gotta say, most of us church people are not Jesus in this story. We’re the Pharisees, slightly scandalized and helpless when see peeps ministering in real love to those we consider too far outside the grace of God.
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