Love=Relationships

I talked to a friend today about this whole love thing. She has a friend who doesn’t treat her well – or at least, who certainly doesn’t meet her expectations for how a friend should treat her. We got into a conversation about whether love and relationship are the same thing. I have to say “no.”

To oversimplify, God=love. But Christians would say not everyone has a relationship with God. People are free to choose to either pursue a relationship or not pursue one. Does that mean God does not love them? Of course not. In fact, that he loves them while they reject him proves the depth of his love.

This is the advice I gave my friend about her friend…it’s what I’ve done twice, with mixed results.

1. Decide whether or not you’re willing to love them without getting anything in return. If you are, read 1 Corinthians 13 (aka “the love chapter”) to find out how love does – and does not – behave. Then,

2. Contact them. In a sweet & humble manner (because that’s how love acts), tell them that you have expectations for them that they are not meeting, and as a result you’re feeling hurt/rejected/angry.

2. Ask for their forgiveness for having imposed your expectations on them. Share where you’re at. Tell them you want to love them without conditions … regardless of their response. Tell them why you think they’re a great person, and someone you want to establish a friendship with.

3. Ask if they are willing/interested in doing certain things to maintain a friendship with you (pick up the phone when they call, have lunch once a month, whatever) – but try to make it clear you’re making a request based on love, not guilt or expectation.

4. Demonstrate love to them no matter how they respond.

Yeah. I really don’t know if that’s good advice or not. Once, I tried it and it was painfully uncomfortable. My pseudo-friend looked at me like I had two heads, both of which were about to bite her. And she never spoke to me again. But the second time (different friend, obviously), with considerably more humor and less drama, my friend and I broke down walls and solidified a long-term friendship. So you tell me: effective, weirdly uncomfortable, or a bit of both?

And then there’s the situations where you’re the friend who hasn’t been such a “friend” … and yes, I’ve been in this position too. And I’ve had someone go through the above process with me on the receiving end! I think I looked at her like she had two heads. But we’re still friends. Anyway, here’s what worked for me then:

1. Consider what you’re willing/able to invest in the relationship. 2. Humbly, demonstrate love as you communicate what you’re willing to offer. 3. Don’t offer more than you a) want to and b) reasonably can.

Finally, here's a snapshot of one of my dearest friends. She is overloaded with work and kids and volunteering and running her household. She has very little time for me. She doesn’t call me, rarely texts me, and when we get together I’m always the one to schedule it and go to where she is. And you know what? We have a fabulous time together and I love it. Do I wish she would make more effort? Sure, sometimes. But I’m learning to love her without expectation, to take what she has to offer and enjoy it fully without allowing it to be corrupted by my own expectations. It really does work! And it cuts down amazingly on the amount of rejection/bitterness/crankiness in my life! Yes, it really is all about freedom to love without expectation.

So, does love=relationship? I don’t think so, but they sure do play nice together when you let them.