My life group is doing a study right now called “What If…”
Yesterday’s topic was “What if we were honest” and our group talked about why we all need a safe place to talk about our daily ups & downs in life. Of course we read James 5:16, “Confess your struggles, faults and sins to each other and pray for each other, so you may be healed, transformed and renewed. The prayer of a person living right with God has great power and wonderful results.”
A book I’m reading has a chapter about this very topic: how we can help each other live out the “kingdom personality” characterized by love, joy, peace, etc. (the fruits of the Spirit). The subheading on page 10 is “Nobody’s Perfect,” a phrase we often use to make each other feel better about our shortcomings. I, for example, have a nasty tendency to be secretly derogatory about people who annoy me. Just in my own head, just my own poisonous thoughts about how annoying they are. And, if I confess this fault to you, you may rush to say “Nobody’s perfect,” and assuage my guilt. That statement may be true (and your intentions kind), but it’s not very productive. Here’s a suggestion from the author of this book:
“Let’s say I confessed to you my disgust with someone who annoyed me and how hopeless I felt about ever loving this person. What if instead of trying to make me feel better by saying, ‘Nobody’s perfect,’ you said you believed in God’s power to transform me into a radical person who pays loving attention to those who annoy me? What if you prayed for me about this? What if later that day you encountered an annoying person and, without thinking, treated that person with kindness and attentiveness—partly because of the transforming effect of our conversation about the kingdom personality?”
It’s a fantastic shift in thinking from “look what a mess I am” to “look how amazing God’s power is to transform us, even me, into a person characterized by his Spirit.” And having others committed to that same vision is powerful! “What if,” indeed.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Love=Relationships
I talked to a friend today about this whole love thing. She has a friend who doesn’t treat her well – or at least, who certainly doesn’t meet her expectations for how a friend should treat her. We got into a conversation about whether love and relationship are the same thing. I have to say “no.”
To oversimplify, God=love. But Christians would say not everyone has a relationship with God. People are free to choose to either pursue a relationship or not pursue one. Does that mean God does not love them? Of course not. In fact, that he loves them while they reject him proves the depth of his love.
This is the advice I gave my friend about her friend…it’s what I’ve done twice, with mixed results.
1. Decide whether or not you’re willing to love them without getting anything in return. If you are, read 1 Corinthians 13 (aka “the love chapter”) to find out how love does – and does not – behave. Then,
2. Contact them. In a sweet & humble manner (because that’s how love acts), tell them that you have expectations for them that they are not meeting, and as a result you’re feeling hurt/rejected/angry.
2. Ask for their forgiveness for having imposed your expectations on them. Share where you’re at. Tell them you want to love them without conditions … regardless of their response. Tell them why you think they’re a great person, and someone you want to establish a friendship with.
3. Ask if they are willing/interested in doing certain things to maintain a friendship with you (pick up the phone when they call, have lunch once a month, whatever) – but try to make it clear you’re making a request based on love, not guilt or expectation.
4. Demonstrate love to them no matter how they respond.
Yeah. I really don’t know if that’s good advice or not. Once, I tried it and it was painfully uncomfortable. My pseudo-friend looked at me like I had two heads, both of which were about to bite her. And she never spoke to me again. But the second time (different friend, obviously), with considerably more humor and less drama, my friend and I broke down walls and solidified a long-term friendship. So you tell me: effective, weirdly uncomfortable, or a bit of both?
And then there’s the situations where you’re the friend who hasn’t been such a “friend” … and yes, I’ve been in this position too. And I’ve had someone go through the above process with me on the receiving end! I think I looked at her like she had two heads. But we’re still friends. Anyway, here’s what worked for me then:
1. Consider what you’re willing/able to invest in the relationship. 2. Humbly, demonstrate love as you communicate what you’re willing to offer. 3. Don’t offer more than you a) want to and b) reasonably can.
Finally, here's a snapshot of one of my dearest friends. She is overloaded with work and kids and volunteering and running her household. She has very little time for me. She doesn’t call me, rarely texts me, and when we get together I’m always the one to schedule it and go to where she is. And you know what? We have a fabulous time together and I love it. Do I wish she would make more effort? Sure, sometimes. But I’m learning to love her without expectation, to take what she has to offer and enjoy it fully without allowing it to be corrupted by my own expectations. It really does work! And it cuts down amazingly on the amount of rejection/bitterness/crankiness in my life! Yes, it really is all about freedom to love without expectation.
So, does love=relationship? I don’t think so, but they sure do play nice together when you let them.
To oversimplify, God=love. But Christians would say not everyone has a relationship with God. People are free to choose to either pursue a relationship or not pursue one. Does that mean God does not love them? Of course not. In fact, that he loves them while they reject him proves the depth of his love.
This is the advice I gave my friend about her friend…it’s what I’ve done twice, with mixed results.
1. Decide whether or not you’re willing to love them without getting anything in return. If you are, read 1 Corinthians 13 (aka “the love chapter”) to find out how love does – and does not – behave. Then,
2. Contact them. In a sweet & humble manner (because that’s how love acts), tell them that you have expectations for them that they are not meeting, and as a result you’re feeling hurt/rejected/angry.
2. Ask for their forgiveness for having imposed your expectations on them. Share where you’re at. Tell them you want to love them without conditions … regardless of their response. Tell them why you think they’re a great person, and someone you want to establish a friendship with.
3. Ask if they are willing/interested in doing certain things to maintain a friendship with you (pick up the phone when they call, have lunch once a month, whatever) – but try to make it clear you’re making a request based on love, not guilt or expectation.
4. Demonstrate love to them no matter how they respond.
Yeah. I really don’t know if that’s good advice or not. Once, I tried it and it was painfully uncomfortable. My pseudo-friend looked at me like I had two heads, both of which were about to bite her. And she never spoke to me again. But the second time (different friend, obviously), with considerably more humor and less drama, my friend and I broke down walls and solidified a long-term friendship. So you tell me: effective, weirdly uncomfortable, or a bit of both?
And then there’s the situations where you’re the friend who hasn’t been such a “friend” … and yes, I’ve been in this position too. And I’ve had someone go through the above process with me on the receiving end! I think I looked at her like she had two heads. But we’re still friends. Anyway, here’s what worked for me then:
1. Consider what you’re willing/able to invest in the relationship. 2. Humbly, demonstrate love as you communicate what you’re willing to offer. 3. Don’t offer more than you a) want to and b) reasonably can.
Finally, here's a snapshot of one of my dearest friends. She is overloaded with work and kids and volunteering and running her household. She has very little time for me. She doesn’t call me, rarely texts me, and when we get together I’m always the one to schedule it and go to where she is. And you know what? We have a fabulous time together and I love it. Do I wish she would make more effort? Sure, sometimes. But I’m learning to love her without expectation, to take what she has to offer and enjoy it fully without allowing it to be corrupted by my own expectations. It really does work! And it cuts down amazingly on the amount of rejection/bitterness/crankiness in my life! Yes, it really is all about freedom to love without expectation.
So, does love=relationship? I don’t think so, but they sure do play nice together when you let them.
Love Expectations, Addendum
Hi. Just wanted to clarify something from my last post. My issues with expectations toward my sister was a reflection of my insecurities and neediness, not a reflection on her. She has always treated me with extraordinary kindness, mercy and love. I could not ask for a better friend or sister…even so, I have issues! And releasing her from my expectations was about me learning how to love her, not about how she loved me. She is, and has always been, an amazing friend to me! Thanks, Lis!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Love Expectations
I love my sister. She’s just about the best thing in the world. We have a lot of fun together no matter what we do, and we can talk for hours. Plus she’s the best person to shop with. We have an incredible relationship, for which I’ve very thankful.
It wasn’t always like this. We’ve always been close, but sometimes we fought the way sisters or wild cats do. There was a lot of back and forth in the old days, not unlike any friendship.
You know how friendships are governed by all these rules? “A friend does this,” or “a friend would never do that.” Friends – especially sisters – are expected to say certain things, not say other things, and behave certain ways depending on the situation.
The problem is, people can’t agree on friendship expectations. Like who calls who when. It always annoys me when people say to me, “you never call me!” All I can think is, don’t you have a phone too?
Friends, and sisters, let you down. With my sister, I used to think about how I could make her love me. Like a great employee, how could I make myself indispensable to her so that she would keep me around even though I continued to screw up from time to time? I told her once, trying to solidify our friendship, that she had to love me because we were related. Wisely, she responded, “I don’t have to love you.”
She’s right. She doesn’t have to love me, or be my friend. I took this realization hard. I could never do enough or be enough to make her love me. The force of my will was not strong enough. All I could do was love her.
(By now you’re thinking “duh.” Sometimes it takes me a while to put these things together.)
And then I realized that’s exactly how God is toward us. He just loves us, without requiring anything in return. Romans 5:8 says, “This is how God demonstrated his love for us: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Paul (the author of Romans) also phrases it this way: while we were still enemies of Christ, he died for us.
God is always taking the first step toward us, and making peace with us before we do anything to deserve or earn it. He doesn’t love us because we deserve it. He just loves us.
And that’s how I decided to love my sister. It was an experiment. I would love her just because I wanted to love her, without expecting anything back from her. If she loved me, great! If she didn’t love me, that would be sad but I would be okay with it. Whether or not she liked me or forgave me or was nice to me would have nothing to do with how I loved her.
It was the most freeing experiment of my life. I can’t believe what I have learned from it. Now, both of us are free from my expectations … whether or not she behaves like I think she should has no power over our friendship. I am her friend because I want to be her friend, not because she’s nice to me or says the right things or calls me often enough. I just love her.
I don’t even know how to explain the freedom that comes from this. It has spilled over into so many areas of my life. I used to think that if my husband broke certain rules I would divorce him, no question. Now, I can’t imagine my marriage being held hostage to such rules. Now I am free to love him because I choose to, not because of how he behaves.
None of this means that I don’t have healthy boundaries or that I’m a doormat. Love really is about freedom, not chains. And I think the only way I can continue such an experiment is because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I can love her that way because I know I am loved that way. I have experienced God’s love so profoundly that it enables me to love others. Isaiah 31:3 says, “I have loved you with an everlasting glove. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”
Have you experienced someone loving you without expectation? What do you expect of your friends?
It wasn’t always like this. We’ve always been close, but sometimes we fought the way sisters or wild cats do. There was a lot of back and forth in the old days, not unlike any friendship.
You know how friendships are governed by all these rules? “A friend does this,” or “a friend would never do that.” Friends – especially sisters – are expected to say certain things, not say other things, and behave certain ways depending on the situation.
The problem is, people can’t agree on friendship expectations. Like who calls who when. It always annoys me when people say to me, “you never call me!” All I can think is, don’t you have a phone too?
Friends, and sisters, let you down. With my sister, I used to think about how I could make her love me. Like a great employee, how could I make myself indispensable to her so that she would keep me around even though I continued to screw up from time to time? I told her once, trying to solidify our friendship, that she had to love me because we were related. Wisely, she responded, “I don’t have to love you.”
She’s right. She doesn’t have to love me, or be my friend. I took this realization hard. I could never do enough or be enough to make her love me. The force of my will was not strong enough. All I could do was love her.
(By now you’re thinking “duh.” Sometimes it takes me a while to put these things together.)
And then I realized that’s exactly how God is toward us. He just loves us, without requiring anything in return. Romans 5:8 says, “This is how God demonstrated his love for us: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Paul (the author of Romans) also phrases it this way: while we were still enemies of Christ, he died for us.
God is always taking the first step toward us, and making peace with us before we do anything to deserve or earn it. He doesn’t love us because we deserve it. He just loves us.
And that’s how I decided to love my sister. It was an experiment. I would love her just because I wanted to love her, without expecting anything back from her. If she loved me, great! If she didn’t love me, that would be sad but I would be okay with it. Whether or not she liked me or forgave me or was nice to me would have nothing to do with how I loved her.
It was the most freeing experiment of my life. I can’t believe what I have learned from it. Now, both of us are free from my expectations … whether or not she behaves like I think she should has no power over our friendship. I am her friend because I want to be her friend, not because she’s nice to me or says the right things or calls me often enough. I just love her.
I don’t even know how to explain the freedom that comes from this. It has spilled over into so many areas of my life. I used to think that if my husband broke certain rules I would divorce him, no question. Now, I can’t imagine my marriage being held hostage to such rules. Now I am free to love him because I choose to, not because of how he behaves.
None of this means that I don’t have healthy boundaries or that I’m a doormat. Love really is about freedom, not chains. And I think the only way I can continue such an experiment is because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I can love her that way because I know I am loved that way. I have experienced God’s love so profoundly that it enables me to love others. Isaiah 31:3 says, “I have loved you with an everlasting glove. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”
Have you experienced someone loving you without expectation? What do you expect of your friends?
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